A rough patch

I have been in a crap mood for weeks.  There has been a shadow of dread that has been following me around for some time now.  I realized the cause of my depression about a week ago.  It was the anniversary of my father’s suicide.

His birthday would have been yesterday, and I spent a lot of time thinking about him.  Yesterday was also my wife’s birthday, which makes it difficult as I need to put on a happy face.  I love my wife and she deserves to have a birthday that doesn’t cause sadness.

I have a lot of anger toward my dad, even seven years later.  I am angry that he only saw my daughter once, when she was 6 weeks old.  I am angry that he never met my son, or my wife.  I am angry that he would leave a note, not saying why or good-bye.  My brother and I were not even a thought in his mind.  I am angry that Sue (his wife) had to find the body and deal with the mess.  I am angry that I don’t have his support as I go through chemo. I am just plain angry.

Dad and I never really got along.  Part of my mental health issues come from him.  There was a ten year period just before he died that we didn’t speak.  One reason I joined the Army after high school was to get the hell away from him.  My mother and my grandmother were angry for years that I joined.  They felt that he forced me into it, and in a way, they were right.  The Army was a great experience, but in reality it was just an excuse to leave him behind.  I spent ten years in the South after I was medically discharged just so I wouldn’t have to come home to him.

In my youth I was suicidal.  I was diagnosed at one point as major depressive with suicidal tendencies.  I have been to the edge and starred into the void.  At one point death seemed like a viable option.  My dad’s suicide changed all of that.

I BEG you.  If you need help, or someone to talk to, call a hotline.  There are ramifications to suicide that will be felt long after someone is gone.  Hell, message me!  I will always have an ear and time.

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5 thoughts on “A rough patch

  1. **hugs** Yeah, dealing with all of that on top of chemo will definitely leave even the sunniest of disposition mad as hell. You have the right to be mad at him, and a right to feel angry because he chose to check out before meeting your entire family, not being a support to you, not being a Dad.

    On the other hand – I’m sorry to say, it doesn’t sound like he would have stood by you at this time, or made a lot of effort to get to know your family, or show them love. It sounds like he was lost in his own hurt, and I’m sorry for that.

    I hope this round of chemo kicks cancer’s butt.

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  2. I am sorry about your loss, which seemed to have happened even before his death. Your anger is valid. You have many reasons to feel that way. It is okay to feel that way. I have both a father (deceased) and a stepfather who failed me. I get angry at times as well.

    A lot of times we look at uncomfortable emotions, in ourselves or others, and want to get rid of them asap. Well, it’s healthy to feel uncomfortable stuff sometimes. Thank you for providing such an encouraging message at the end of your post, even when you’re not feeling 100% yourself.

    Take good care, my friend,

    Yari

    Like

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