I have been in a crap mood for weeks. There has been a shadow of dread that has been following me around for some time now. I realized the cause of my depression about a week ago. It was the anniversary of my father’s suicide.
His birthday would have been yesterday, and I spent a lot of time thinking about him. Yesterday was also my wife’s birthday, which makes it difficult as I need to put on a happy face. I love my wife and she deserves to have a birthday that doesn’t cause sadness.
I have a lot of anger toward my dad, even seven years later. I am angry that he only saw my daughter once, when she was 6 weeks old. I am angry that he never met my son, or my wife. I am angry that he would leave a note, not saying why or good-bye. My brother and I were not even a thought in his mind. I am angry that Sue (his wife) had to find the body and deal with the mess. I am angry that I don’t have his support as I go through chemo. I am just plain angry.
Dad and I never really got along. Part of my mental health issues come from him. There was a ten year period just before he died that we didn’t speak. One reason I joined the Army after high school was to get the hell away from him. My mother and my grandmother were angry for years that I joined. They felt that he forced me into it, and in a way, they were right. The Army was a great experience, but in reality it was just an excuse to leave him behind. I spent ten years in the South after I was medically discharged just so I wouldn’t have to come home to him.
In my youth I was suicidal. I was diagnosed at one point as major depressive with suicidal tendencies. I have been to the edge and starred into the void. At one point death seemed like a viable option. My dad’s suicide changed all of that.
I BEG you. If you need help, or someone to talk to, call a hotline. There are ramifications to suicide that will be felt long after someone is gone. Hell, message me! I will always have an ear and time.